I loved her so much...
Its funny how I lost all memories of her as time went on but I could never fill the huge void that she left in my life...
I am not talking of a girlfriend or even a lover but of my mom. I loved her so much, this I believe to be normal with any child, all children live with the inclination to love their parents but in my case I had every reason to love her very much because I was her baby boy, she'd spoil me beyond measure.
Though I was only about 3-4 yrs old, I
had vivid memories of time spent with my mom, she'd take me everywhere and give me everything with in her power.
Suddenly she was gone, as a ray of lightning that struck, my mom was longer there, I missed her terribly I didn't know why she was gone, all I knew was that my hope, comfort and everything had vanished. Years went and I grew up with my grandma, she became my mom and dad, she was an extraordinary lady but there were so many of us so her love had to be spread out, though I must confess I was her favourite one.
She became my hero, my mom as far as I was concerned no longer existed and I had no hope of ever seeing her again. This made me grow up as someone desperate to be loved, I'd see kids being picked up at school by their parents when mine were no where to be seen.
I had a deep emptiness within. No matter how kind and loving my grandma was I missed something, as time went by I no longer could remember my mom, she had become inexistent in mind.
I remember when I turned 9 0r 10 years old I was told that she was leaving in a foreign country and I remember asking her for a watch as my birthday present which she did send it, it turned out to be an old wrist watch that would barely last a few days.
That only increased my pain, I was so badly affected that I remember getting drunk and passing out on the streets not so long after, I stole some money from my grandma and went up the hills where I knew cheap liquor was sold and even though I was but a child the seller was more than glad to sell me alcohol.
By the age of 16 now living in the United States under the care of my dad, though once again I was living with my other grandma, I had started drinking, gambling, and leaving a life that led to one bad experience after the other.
My life spiralled out of control because as I grew up I came to understand my mom had left us behind to start another family with another man and my dad had taken off to do the same with another woman. This also became part of my life I failed every relationship.
When it came to my dad I was able to easily understand him as he eventually sent for me to live with him but my mom I could not forgive. As far I was concerned she no longer existed for me, I could not forgive her for leaving at the age of 4 years old.
My dad's mom begged me to go and visit her when I turned 18 years old, which I agreed to though very reluctantly, it had been 14 years since I had lost the only woman that I had truly loved up to that point and suddenly one day had vanished without a clue. If I could have my way I would never see her again I hated her and wanted nothing to do with her, she was never there from the day she decided to leave so I was not willing to let her into my life again.
After a few years I was invited to the Church by my brother, by then I was 22 years old and living already with my partner Rita, that would soon become my wife, as we both attended the services day by day, things were changing inside me, I overcame every single addiction and problem but I realised that a humungous one was still standing strong.
I remember when I heard about an encounter with God, this really pricked my heart, I wanted so earnestly to find God, I no longer lusted after blessings, I craved for an encounter with God, so I sat down and started speaking to the pastor and I told him that I believe there was something that was blocking my heart thus impeding me to find God, it was my mom.
Once I started to recollect my memories about her I broke down, I cried like a baby, I recognised openly my pain, hurt and hatred against her but with that came a peace, an understanding towards her that no longer made me want to hate but to forgive her, that I did and not long after I had my encounter with God.
I was never able to make up for lost time with my mom as we both had now separate lives and families but I was able to love her again, understand all that she as well went through, I felt very sorry for her ordeal, until today I honour and respected her deeply, she is my mom.
Collaberated by: Claudia Brito
Auckland- New Zealand